Surviving Lice: Random Foster Care Responsibilities and Surprises

Getting rid of that gorgeous long hair, with permission from his mother.  Foster parents are only allowed to get a child's hair cut with permission from the parent.  We had to buy clippers and do this cut ourselves because salons won't cut hair that has lice.

Within 30 days of initial placement after being taken from their homes, foster children must receive a physical exam from a doctor.  Within 60 days, they must also have eye and dental exams.  Birth parents are encouraged to attend all appointments with the foster parents, who have medical authorization for the child.  

At our children's physical exams, their mother pointed out that they have lice.  I never thought to check, as they generally do their own hair and they've never complained of itching.  The kids later told us that they're used to the itching because they get lice all the time; they've had it at least 3-4 times before this, that they can remember.  They said they've gotten it from friends' houses and from sleeping on the floor of the shelter, where bugs crawl in your hair at night.  We got prescriptions from the doctor and have been treating and washing hair, blankets, clothes, pillows, coats, and everything else in our house.

On top of that, we cannot kick the sickness around here!  I got sick first, four days after the kids arrived.  Cody got sick a day or two after me, followed by both babies and maybe now one of the older kids.  We found out at the doctor that all three kids came to us in the middle of treatment for the flu, for which two of them had gone to the ER due to complications.  They never finished their medicine, which was for type A for one kid, type B for another, and both types for the third.  I'm on day 12 of being sick, and we're pretty sure I've cycled through both types of flu--even though I had the flu shot in October.  The babies are barely starting to get better after about 9 days each of being sick, with a lot of screaming at night and during the day because they're miserable.  

My goal in spreading foster care awareness is to help people see the need for good foster parents, while also painting an accurate picture of what to expect.  It's rewarding and very, very challenging.  Lately I've been thinking about an experience I had in Chile, where my mission companion and I befriended a homeless teenager who had been living on the streets for months.  We found him sleeping on the grass one morning outside the house of an older lady who put coffee and bread out for him each day.  We wanted to help him, so we used our connections to find someone who could give him a job to help him get out of his situation.  We knew his past was littered with illegal activity, and we told our friend with the job to be aware and to not be surprised if the boy stole from him.  The man was eager to help and brushed off the warning about stealing, excited to do something to better the life of another.  Within a week, we got an angry phone call from the man who was furious that the boy had vanished after stealing an expensive piece of equipment from him, after all he had done for him.  Change does not come quickly or painlessly, for any involved.

My point in sharing that story is to show that doing good sometimes comes with a cost.  During these past two weeks, we've been fighting the worst illnesses we've ever had while trying to maintain a home with three new children who need us all day, every day.  Our house has been ransacked, once again, trying to conquer the lice that have entered our home.  We've done dozens of loads of laundry in 16 days.  Cody and I have not slept more than 2 hours in a row, and a total of 6 hours of sleep a night would be a dream.  We're sick, we're emotionally and physically exhausted, and we have a lot of work to do to stay on top of everything right now.  Foster care is important and it's needed, and it's very hard.  I'm sure it won't always be so intense, but this first experience has been quite the change. 

I want people to know that good foster parents are needed, yet this decision cannot be made lightly.  The thing that helps me get through the hard times is thinking about the children, and remembering that if we don't do this, who will?  There is a shortage of foster homes in general, and there is an even greater shortage of good foster homes.  These children need good homes.  They need someone to love them and take care of them and help them through lice and illness and homesickness and fights with their sibling.  And if we don't do it... who will?

ReMoved: Foster Care Film (and other resources)

Children are taken from their homes and put into foster care due to the actions of their parents: parental death, physical/sexual abuse, neglect, drug/alcohol use, jail, mental illness, etc.  They need a place to feel safe, a place to feel loved, a place to heal, and a place to keep growing up slowly.  If you find yourself interested in helping vulnerable children through foster care, educating yourself about foster care first is key.  I recommend starting by watching the films ReMoved and Remember My Story, and reading other blogs and articles about people's experiences.

Adoptuskids.org features foster children who are awaiting permanent homes throughout the US, which helps put faces to an idea.  I recommend reading a few good books, like No Biking in the House Without a Helmet, by Melissa Fay Greene, which is actually about international adoption of older kids, but which is very applicable to foster care children's experiences.  There are many people, including my husband and I, who are willing and interested in sharing more about foster care--just ask.

Our initial response to doing foster care: Expectations vs. Reality

Cody and I have been having some really good conversations about our foster care experience so far, our expectations vs. reality, and our hopes and goals for our future in foster care.  We've both noticed numerous people mentioning to us, quietly, that they've wondered about or thought about doing foster care, but haven't looked into it.  We both think that there are certain people cut out for foster care, and those people are the ones who get passing thoughts like, "maybe I could do that".  Literally the only requirement I see is the desire to help a child.  You don't need to be rich, married, working or not, childless, homeowning, looking to adopt, or anything else.  You need a spare bedroom.

Foster care has pretty much gone how we expected, with some things a little harder in practice, and a few things a little easier.  The bigger kids are generally a LOT easier than I had thought.  They're potty-trained, they know how to read, they can play together outside, they're at school for most of the day, and they eat about as much PB&J as predicted.  The emotional effects of being taken from their home and caregivers does come out occasionally in tears, tantrums, the silent treatment, and boundary-pushing, but that's part of foster care; it's just a little different thinking and hearing about it versus experiencing it.  It still sucks, but it's not as bad as I anticipated, and it happens a lot less often than I prepared myself for.  I think if you educate yourself on the whys of foster care, it makes the whats a lot easier to handle.

When we were certified for foster care, we said that we were open to children ages 0-18, but that we preferred children between ages 4-10 due to our current life situation.  (We are also resource parents for teen foster children in group homes, which is based on check-outs while they live somewhere else.)  We were certified to host two children, as we have one spare bedroom with two twin beds available upstairs, while we're remodeling our basement which has two more rooms and a living room downstairs.  When we got the call about our three current foster children who were in the process of being removed from their home, we were asked if we could make an exception to host three children instead of two, including an infant, so that they didn't have to be separated.  We were a little nervous about the added challenge, but our hearts answered first and we said yes after a 5-minute discussion while the caseworker waited on the other line.  We keep joking to each other that next time we're definitely going to stick to our guns and keep it at two children who are at least potty-trained, but we both know we're way too soft to promise that.  You can't predict who will need you, when.  We had been asked about two or three different children before we accepted our first placement, though.  For each of them, we didn't feel like it was right, yet we did with our placement, even though it didn't make much logical sense.

Mixed emotions: Some people suck, but most people are normal and foster kids need them

Unfinished remodel of our house, millions of laundry, recovering after a week of the flu at our house, cranky baby, don't even look in our kitchen

I've had two main thoughts lately:

First of all, I'm nervous that people are interpreting what we're doing as exceptional rather than do-able.  I've started sharing pieces of our foster care experience on social media, and the response is not what I thought it would be... there are lots of wows and you're amazings and how do you guys do it?s, which does seem to be the appeal of social media posts in general, but that's not my purpose in sharing.  I don't want people to look at us, I was them to look at foster care.  And maybe that's something that comes with time, or something that's happening but not quite as outwardly.  But I was expecting zero praise, a few clicks on blog posts to learn about our experience, and hopefully some people realizing that they can (and maybe should) look into doing foster care.  I don't want us to seem like the exception, like we have some magical ability to parent 3 children who are not our own, in addition to our infant daughter; I want people to realize that we are the exact same people they already know, who have zero special abilities, who are doing something to help children who desperately need it, and that they can do it, too.

Second, holy crap, some people suck.  There have been a few experiences this week where I've realized that there are a lot of people out there ready to drag other people down, and there is a huge need for good people to do something good in the world.  Not to list off a book's worth of rants, but I will mention some poor treatment at the grocery store for using state-issued vouchers for clothing and diapers and for using WIC food stamps to get formula and baby food.  I get that the welfare system gets abused, but there should not be such a harsh stigma attached to getting government assistance--especially when it's going to foster care children who need it.  The expectation is not for foster families to purchase everything their foster children might need; the children are wards of the state, and the state pays to make sure they have what they need.  Foster children qualify for free meals at school, WIC food stamps for children 5 and under, Medicaid, clothing vouchers, free daycare for working foster parents, and other resources, which foster parents should put to good use.  There shouldn't be any out-of-pocket expenses for foster parents since foster families receive a small subsidy to cover increased groceries and miscellaneous expenses, etc.  There are always stories about people doing foster care for the wrong reasons, like pocketing the subsidy money and not having to work--which sucks.  But that just highlights, again, the need for honest, good people to step up and help these children who need someone to look out for them and someone to love them.  The resources are available, and there's no reason not to use them.

Progress Amid Setbacks: Sickness, Home Visits, Crying, and Learning to Roll Over

Day 6 with the kids, day 2 of non-stop vomiting and fever for me.  Less than ideal timing.  I got 2 bags of IV fluid and a couple prescriptions yesterday, when I couldn't even keep ice down.  Super-dad Cody took yesterday off work, and luckily had the next 3 days off to take care of the four kids and me.  Being sick sucks, and one parent having to handle two babies and two kids (and me) is tough.  But the kicker was having their first home visit on the same day that we were already exhausted and overwhelmed.

We knew from our foster care classes that kids tend to act out after home visits, when they get to see their parent(s) for a brief supervised visit, but holy crap.  It seems like all the progress we had made during their first 5 days went out the window.  Everything became an issue.  Mealtimes, bedtime, waking up the next morning, doing homework, playing outside... everything that had been pretty straight-forward before the home visit became meltdown-worthy afterwards.

It's hard to know exactly what they're thinking and feeling, but you can make a pretty good guess.  The baby got even more clingy, and the big kids got angry and talked back and threw fits about everything--even to go play on the trampoline, which they usually love.  Cody got the brunt of it, since I've been cooped up in bed for the past two days.

But there is some good news in the midst!  The baby has started transitioning from mostly solids back to formula, with some solids.  Instead of PB&J sandwiches and big kid food and water, she's drinking a bottle and eating banana slices and a handful of cheerios.  She's still drawn to solid foods, but as we've pushed the bottle with her, she's started to show signs of better hydration.  Additionally, her near-constant whine has turned into some quiet time, some actual cries (which is progress!), and some cooing.  The babies are really good for each other, as they push each other's development.  One baby sees the other baby flailing her arms and legs, and watches intently.  The other baby watches her sitting up and learning to scoot, mesmerized.  Sometimes they just stare at each other and it's SO cute!

The older sister watches the baby learning to push herself on the floor and to roll over, and she says excitedly, "she doesn't know how to do that!"  The baby's physical development seems to be improving so fast.  When she got here, she couldn't even stay sitting up; she would just flop over (maybe from nerves though?).  By the second day, she could sit up--which is why I think it was something she already knew how to do and she just had a momentary lapse.  On the other hand, she hated tummy time from day one; I don't think she had ever tried it.  She screamed bloody murder whenever we put her on her tummy for the first couple days, and each session lasted about 30 seconds, twice per day.  By day three, she could stand tummy time for about 60 seconds, and now we're up to a couple minutes.  On top of that, she learned how to roll over!  Her look of surprise and pride the first time (today) was priceless.  It just took a few days of tummy time before she mastered it, as she's already quite big.  In general, her entire demeanor has changed.  Instead of a defeated look of sadness in her eyes, she attentively watches things around her now.  It's rewarding to see her bounce back so quickly.  Our biggest obstacles are her waking up every 30-60 minutes at night and being generally glued to us during the day.  She did not tolerate Cody for the first couple days, and she now reaches for him and lets him rock her to sleep at night (adorable!).

First-Time Foster Care: Day 3

The babies woke up at 8:00am this morning and decided to poke and prod each other, while cooing and squawking at each other, instead of crying.  It was the first time they really acknowledged each other.  One baby took a 3-hour morning nap while one took a 20-minute nap, which was both frustrating and encouraging.  Big kids jumped on the trampoline, read books, worked on homework and computer classes, ate more and less food than I had expected, and checked on me literally every 5 minutes of the entire day.  After their 1,000th nervous check-in, I sent them outside to play for 30 whole minutes, reassuring them that I honestly, truly, was not going anywhere, and that I couldn't leave anyway with two babies taking their second nap of the day--over 2 hours each!  I noticed the big kids peeking in the windows every 5-10 minutes, but they didn't come inside because anyone who woke up babies (again) had to take a nap.

Two babies mimicked each other's coos and cries; two babies got baths together; two babies got lunch--the bigger baby ate cheerios and bananas in the high chair along with her bottle, and the littler baby refused to lie down to drink her bottle because she was big like the other baby.  Today, the babies started to get used to each other.  The big kids finished entire books and watched one Saturday movie.  By the end of the day, they lasted over an hour between check-ins.

Crying at the Grocery Store: Becoming Vegan, Beginning Foster Care

When I decided to become vegan in 2011, I cried during my first grocery run.  I stood in the aisles not knowing what to buy... thinking about the daunting change from my college-style diet of convenience food to label-checking and cooking actual meals from ingredients, instead of cereal and Easy Mac.  The decision to become vegan was one that I had taken months to prepare for.  I committed to being vegetarian first, and felt a major difference within two weeks.  I continued to research, talk, read, and think about every aspect of vegan eating that I could imagine.  After a few months, the final straw came down to some friends in my Spanish class asking me why I didn't just try it.  I took their challenge and set a date for myself: the first day of the next month, for at least 30 days.  I was prepared, it was something I wanted to do, I knew the challenges and the difficulties associated with switching to a vegan diet, and I also had an idea of the health benefits I could expect.  And yet there I stood in the grocery store on my first day as a hopeful vegan with tears welling up in my eyes.

I often think back to that scene and consider my poor vegan-transitioning-self who had no clue what she was really doing.  It took hours to scan the grocery store aisles, figuring out what pre-made foods contained dairy (hint: most of them!) and what things were okay.  It became easier with time, and I only cried that first time.  It's now second-nature to me: checking labels for high protein and fiber content, buying copious amounts of produce, and skipping the aisles that I know have no chance of containing vegan-friendly options.

Recently, I found myself in the grocery store in a situation similar to that first daunting trip.  Tears welling up in my eyes, I scanned the aisles for kid-friendly meals for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, having never bought those things before.  I spent $114.98.  After an unexpected phone call and an impromptu 5-minute discussion with my husband Cody earlier that day, we had one hour to prepare our house for 3 children who would become completely dependent on us from that time forward.  They arrived around 6:00pm, and everyone was in bed by 8:00pm with minimal crying and not a lot of sleeping.  For hours, my husband and I sorted through suitcases and garbage bags full of clothes, shoes, bedding, toys, a dozen winter coats, and assorted baby items.  There were more items than children usually brought, our caseworker said.  But we were told to wash everything.  Cody did at least five loads of laundry that night, and a few more after that.  I went to the grocery store around 11:00pm, with the crying incident.

I cried because I was overwhelmed.  I knew what I had signed up for, knew I was doing the right thing, but I had still gone from a mother of one infant to a mother of four children in one day.  I didn't know their last name, let alone what foods they liked or even would tolerate.  Everything was a guess, and it was midnight before I even left the store.  We didn't sleep much that first night.  We got the clothes and the food sorted, but our daughter was thrown out of her routine and instead of sleeping 6-8 hours like she normally did, she awoke every hour.  The other baby did the same, but on a rotation with my daughter, like clockwork.  Cody and I were both up every 30-60 minutes for the entire 5 hours of sleep we got that night.